Don’t bring me flowers when I am dead,
Come see me today, while I’m sick in bed.
Don’t cry for me, when I’m no longer here,
Come smile with me, no need for tears.
Don’t try to remember how I used to be,
Come by today and you can see.
Make good use of time, while I’m still around,
Don’t wait for tomorrow, when I’m in the ground.
And don’t give me a funeral fit for a king,
The day I die everyone should sing.
Because you saw me through sorrow and strife,
And yes my friends, all through my life.
Today Warsan spoke to me, and as I was listening I realised that most of the ‘problems’ that I think the universe throws at me are created first in my very own head, they manifest from my very own thoughts and then they become monsters that even I cannot tame. These monsters start to gnaw at you until you cannot recognize yourself, and then you try to re-invent who you are, all the while making a complete mess. Trying to be too many things all at once when at times you have to pick a side and stick to it. Wanting to be both confident and insecure, both needy and wanting to feel needed, both strong and weak but it doesn’t work like that now does it? As she continues to speak, she asked me a question I couldn’t answer:How did I become both of these people? Where did I learn how to be both flighty and needful, who taught me to want what does not want me and to leave that which wants to stay? When did I learn this?
I spend days, praying, BEGGING the universe to throw good fortune my way and the minute this good fortune manifests I begin to wonder, what horrible thing must I now endure so that I can feel that this is a well-deserved blessing?After-all, what goes up must come down, right? For every high there must be an equal low, right? When good things happen to us, we often feel, “my fortune can’t possibly be this good, what did I do to deserve this”?This goes for every situation across the board, whether it’s a new job opportunity, a great night out with a friend, a relationship or a love interest, the list is endless. Maybe that’s just how it is, but maybe it isn’t always supposed to be that way.
As I’m trying to answer these questions, this came to my rescue (if it sounds like Oprah, that’s because it is):
"… we often block our own blessings because we don’t feel inherently good enough or smart enough or pretty enough or worthy enough…you’re worthy because you are born and because you are here. Your being here, your being alive makes worthiness your birthright. You alone are enough."
Then it dawned on me, thinking you deserve something and feeling you are worthy to have it are two very different things. We all know we deserve good things we all know we deserve to be happy and and and ….deserve deserve deserve… but we fail to accept good fortune because we cannot recognise our own worth. We don’t know it’s face or where it lives. We don’t know what being worthy feels like.We forget it exists.
Our lives are spent punishing ourselves for the wrong that other people did to us. We feel we do not deserve anything unless it’s broken, because if it doesn’t need fixing then maybe it wasn’t meant for me because it’s just too good. We push away people and things that are good to us and good for us because we find the unavailable alluring and we sell ourselves short because then disappointment becomes easier to handle. Where did we learn this? Who taught us to feel that we deserve but to forget that we are worthy?
The real reason I’m writing all of this is that it might be over tomorrow, it may last for a lifetime but I am glad that right now I am given a chance to feel this way and I will embrace it because I am worthy. Maybe it’s a lesson, but good or bad, the over-thinking stops now and the feeling begins. It’s OK to try. Life is about life and my being born gives me the right to feel this wonderful about it. I’m glad I came to my senses, I am glad that I grew up and I am even gladder that I am not afraid anymore.
All I’m saying is, without any over thinking or ifs or but’s this time ——— » HE MAKES ME HAPPY AND HE GIVES ME ENGLISH DREAMS, THANK YOU UNIVERSE.